The burden is increasing

There are a lot of thoughts in my mind; in fact for quite some time they have been there. I have been thinking a lot about them but the more I think about them the more I get confused. The thoughts keep on seeking my attention and at times they would get some time but nothing happens; and they remain just that - thoughts. It feels kind of a pressure cooker where in the pressure is continuously increasing.
Of late I have started feeling the heat of the thoughts that has been disturbing my thought process. Although there has been no visible effect (this is my guess), sooner or later it will show up. Of course I will figure out a way; but when I don't know.
There are a lot of things I could do, rather should do, but I haven't been doing; and that too for no good reason. I would decide on doing a few things, then postpone it and then again postpone it. It seems as if I don't want to do anything; but then I want to do them. Its like I want to do 'A' but don't want to do it, want to do 'B' and don't want to do it (I know it sounds crazy). And in between I am doing what I am supposed to do and doing it the way it should be done.
My mind has become a complete jigsaw puzzle which needs to be sorted out. Sometimes I feel I am leading 2 lives at the same time - one visible to me and one to the world - and they are unaware of each other. The mind and the body are taking the burden. And the burden is increasing.
People say when you discuss things the burden decreases. Sharing your feelings helps you to calm down and release some of the pressure you have. I also advice the same to others - "instead of letting the things boil within you, you should bring them out". But in my case it seems to be working the other way. Speaking out seems to increase the burden. I spoke about some of my thoughts to someone today and the burden seems to have increased.
I am writing this post as this is supposed to make me feel better (according to one of my close friend). This doesn't seem to work either. The burden is increasing...

How different can people be at different times

"Meri chappal fir toot gayi" This was the first statement I heard as I picked up my phone. And it was followed by laughter. No it wasn't a prank; it was one of my friends calling me at around 12 noon when I was on way to office. There was a happiness in the voice - the happiness that you find in children who have done something unexpected, don't know what to do next but are laughing at their situation. She continued "I am midway to my office building and I can't walk" Some more laughter "Ab main kya karu?". I replied "Just pick the chappal up and walk barefoot" (I thought it was the logical thing to do although it was a bit ackward). "Namaste London types" she asked. I said yes. She said "Dekhti hoon". She was in this child mode again enjoying the situation which had stranded her midway in the heat; and here she was laughing at herself instead of panicking.

"I am not sure" I get an sms one day. I call her "Kya hua?". Her voice is sad. "We haven't had a 10 minute conversation in the last 3 days" She hasn't slept well the previous night. "People can be busy at times" I reply giving an explanation. "How busy can one be that one doesn't find even 10 mins in a day?" She has been thinking a lot. "There could be other reasons as well but its nothing to get so upset about" I say trying to give an explanation. "There is no reason for not calling and talking" She is hurt. "It is not that serious ..." and the conversation continues.

Same girl at 2 different instances. How different can people be at different times.

Reliving those Golden Moments

How often it happens that people think of some old golden days and wish they could relive them. I, myself - given the chance - would love to relive some old days. I don't know what stops people from redoing those things; or maybe I know but am not willing to accept. They say certain things just happen once in a lifetime and they are meant to be that - once in a lifetime.

What prevents people from re-doing the things they would love to do once more? Probably they don't get the same circumstances; Or maybe they don't find all those people; Or maybe all the people can't come together; Maybe that was one moment of madness and now shouldn't be repeated; Or maybe that event took place accidently; Or maybe that moment was so perfect that trying to repeat it may spoil that moment. (Maybe these are some of the reasons why I haven't tried)

But you know what today I found out that those moments can actually be relived and people do that without knowing it. I came to this realization while comming to office today. Not that I hadn't seen it before but somehow it never stuck me; and today somehow the chord struck me. We were 3 people in the cab. We were having a conversation which led to one of us going back to her old days. It was at first just a mention. But then she started going over the details. Her facial expressions were changing as she mentioned the details and the things they used to do. And at that point of time she was actually reliving those moments. For the remaining 2 of us it was just an event but to her it was soemthing different; something whose true value only she could understand. And at that instance as she was narrating she had travelled back in time, doing those things all over again.

And now as I am writing this blog, I am going back in time.....

Destiny - is it fixed?

Today while comming to office in my cab I had a conversation with my friend. The conversation started with marriage (will write a post on it soon) and somehow turned towards destiny. My friend said he believed in creating one's own destiny; that one's destiny is not fixed but one has the ability to make one's own destiny. I said I didn't agree to it and that one's destiny was fixed. We didn't come to any conclusion and our conversation ended when he got a phone call.
I have always believed that one's destiny is fixed. But the path towards one's destiny is not fixed. Everyone can choose his/her own path. One might not take the shortest route but eventually one would reach where one is destined to reach. One may have a smooth sailing or may be caught in a storm but either way if one is supposed to reach somewhere s/he will surely make it. There are people who say that one has the ability to make one's own destiny by working towards it. I have seen many cases where in people have given their best efforts yet they didn't achieve what they desired. Its not that they didn't try enough; its just that they weren't meant to get that.
One might question - "If one's destiny is fixed then why should one do anything? Whatever is to happen it will happen no matter what". Point taken. But even if your destiny is fixed you have to work towards it. Nothing happens without any action. For one, you don't know your destiny; so no point doing nothing. Then you can't just do nothing - at any time you would be doing something; and that something will take you towards your final destiny.
But the question remains "If your destiny is fixed what is the point putting in the effort?". The reason you need to put in the effort is because you want to enjoy the journey. You don't know your destiny and finally reaching there might not be well accepted by you. But what you can do is make the choice of the path to take, the road to travel and to do things you want to. Why waste today worrying about tomorrow.
There are people who believe in God and there are people who don't. Some common beliefs among people (especially spiritual and religious sorts) are God controls everything and whatever happens is done by Him. But then there is someone (I am forgetting the name :() who has said things a little differently and I quite liked what he said. He said that God is central to everything; but its like tying a rope around a cow and tying the other end of the rope to a nail or tree. The cow has the freedom to move in a specified area (equal to the area of a circle with radius equal to the length of the rope); but it can't move beyond it.
Its just how you look at things and believe in them. Whatever you believe in truly keep following it and you will reach where you are meant to. The most important thing is to enjoy the journey.

Final Destination 4

"I think we changed nothing. We were meant to be here at this time" These are the last lines from the film 'Final Destination 4'; and probably the only thing I liked about the movie. Saw the movie yesterday with a friend and it is right up there in my list of most disliked movies.
Maybe I had wrong expectations from the movie but still it was a total waste of money (I paid for the tickets) and time (ok not so much time - it didn't even last 1.5 hrs). And my friends comments were "I don't usually say a movie is bad but for this one I have to say it". You don't believe me or him then go and try watching it. By the way TOI gave it a rating of 1.5 (I wish I had seen the ratings in the morning).
Maybe watching it in 3-D would have been better. I haven't watched a movie in 3-D so far but I doubt if it would be fun to watch deaths in 3-D.

Sitting in office alone

8:30 PM - Sitting in office alone.
Today being a holiday in the US all the people in my account have gone home save me (and another guy). And I have more than 1 and 1/2 hours to spend. My work for the day is over the cab is scheduled for 10:15 PM.
I am wondering what all I could do in this time. Lets see what options I can think of -

• Write a blog (this of course I am doing right now)
• Chat: let me see who are online - P with whom I already chatted for quite long, M logged in just now
• Play: in office it shouldn't be done; so let me postpone it
• Listen to music: Already doing
• Study: next please
• Meet someone: Well odd timings mean no one's around :(
• Call someone: shouldn't bother someone at night

So where does that leave me? I guess blogging, chatting and playing

Conversation with Manas: How to earn quick money

This Sunday I was sitting with Manas at McDi. I asked him what's the way of earning quick money. As he started thinking I added "legally".
The conversation went like this.
Manas: How much risk do you want to take?
I: Minimum
M: Initial investment?
I: Minimum
M: What do u want to do with the money?
I: Buy Bose speakers and a Scorpio - cash down
M: Anything else?
I: An LCD TV as well
M: Anything else?
I: For now that's all
M: Soch le acche se
I: Soch liya
I: Will it be a continuous inflow or once?
M:It is advisable to do it once. Repeating it is not advisable and may not yield same results.
I: Okay. So what's the plan?
Manas kept quite for abt 30 secs and then said "Shaadi kar le"